It smelled like Fall today, which makes it worse somehow. This season I normally love has turned on me to become one that I dread. Because tomorrow is the day that I (partially) lose my career. Not because I'm quitting, nor am I even getting fired. It is just ending, through no control of my own.
It was in the year 2000 that I chose to become a stay at home mom. And yah, I'm still a mom, and I'm still at home, but somehow not having any kids here some days makes the whole job seem sort of weird. And sad.
I've always been sorry to see one of the kids go to Kindergarten, but when I walked away from the last 3, there was a little hand holding mine all the way home. And tomorrow, I will walk away alone. The thought leaves me...breathless. Literally. I am short of breath every time I imagine leaving her there.
Now if you are one of those parents who skipped away from Kindergarten, stay with me. I get you too. While it was sad last week to say good-bye to the other 3, there is a new peace around the house that I can appreciate.
But this is not the same. This is the END of something. An end I don't want and didn't ask for and while I am sure it will all turn out great and I'll get used to it, right now, I just need to mourn.
And cry my eyes out.
Not, of course, in front of her. For she is so proud and excited and I know that she'll love it.